Leadership would be amazing if it weren’t for people!
All the difficult conversations we have, usually come back to either two things: Someone hasn’t done what they should have, or they haven’t done things in the way they should. Either requires us to have the strength and courage to have the difficult conversations to try and make things right – that is, to either redeem the situation or learn lessons for the future.
You’re not alone if you shy away from having a difficult conversation. I don’t think they are meant to be fun. Very few people wake up excited, looking, searching, or creating opportunities to have difficult conversations with others. If you do, reach out, I’d be more than happy to recommend some great psychologists. Most of us are filled with dread, fear, or a sense of uncomfortableness when we need to confront poor performance, so I thought I’d capture five things I’ve learned, often the hard way, that may be helpful.
1. Stop being selfish
A difficult conversation opportunity presents itself because someone on your team hasn’t performed how you would like them to. Rather than trying to help the person be better, we shy away from the difficult conversation because, well, it’s difficult. It’s going to be hard; it should be hard because we live in a world where so much of our identity, our meaning, and our value is tied to what we do, so when you're addressing poor performance, we’re not just addressing the action or behaviour itself, we’re dealing with layers of meaning, value, and identity that comes with it. The problem with putting off the conversation, delaying it, dragging it out or avoiding it altogether is that we miss the opportunity to help someone be better. The improvement opportunity is ignored because it’s hard, and we don’t want to feel or make others feel gross, awkward, unloved, bad, etc. We prefer keeping the peace, tolerating, hoping someone else would deal with it, and we miss the opportunity for someone to learn and improve. At the end of the day, that is sort of selfish and not leadership. Don’t be selfish. Your difficult conversation could be the defining moment that this person needs to have to bring about the change in their life that may have been needed for a long time.
If you read last week’s article, I shared a story where a mentor friend of mine, Steve, pulled me aside to address poor form on my part. It would have been easy for Steve to keep his mouth shut, laugh it off, or make excuses why it wasn’t his issue to deal with and see if someone else could handle it. He didn’t. He fronted up with courage and care and let me have it, and I was better off because of it. It’s a 25-year-old story that keeps on giving!
The challenge with avoiding difficult conversations is that it ends up being a lose-lose-lose. The team lose because poor performance isn’t addressed. The poor performer loses because they don’t get the opportunity to improve, and you end up losing because you must continue to live with the issue, often repeating itself. Your credibility as a leader can also come into question because you can’t, well, lead.
Nothing great or worthwhile is usually easy.
2. Don’t make assumptions
In my early leadership life, I remember nearly firing someone due to poor performance, but moments before the words came out of my mouth, they told me that their wife had just left them and had taken the kids, whom he already hadn’t seen in a few weeks. That one piece of information, probably ten words, changed everything for how I saw the situation. Don’t assume that the way you see the world, or the situation at hand, is how the world actually is. Ask questions, dig deeper, gather the facts, and then go into the difficult conversation. Make sure you go in with an open mind and be prepared that you might have missed a piece of the puzzle that brings the full situation to life.
Those that know me know that I’m a big believer in empathy. Having empathy doesn’t make the poor performance right or mean we don’t have to have the difficult conversation. Empathy allows us to gain understanding; it gives us the patience to explore what the root cause of the issue actually is, and can provide us with a way forward with a better strategy on how to approach the conversation.
Breathe, listen, seek first to understand, then talk.
3. Remember the three T’s
You may feel like very little is in your control when it comes to having difficult conversations, but that is not true. When it comes to challenging but crucial conversations, plenty is up to you. Here are three things:
Timing – you control when you go to have the hard conversation, unless it presents itself at a time that demands it be dealt with (e.g. When two company directors are trying to beat each other to death in front of their leadership team. No kidding, real story!) Is 8:30 am Monday morning the best time to have the conversation? Is it better to wait till the end of the day or the end of the week, so the person has the time to reflect without it affecting the rest of the week?
Tact – How should you best approach the conversation? Do you go into the meeting with a clipboard of the 101 things you detest about the person and their behaviour? No kidding, this happened to me once! Do you go in with a scripted letter that you read from, word-for-word, avoiding all eye contact? I’m all for having a few notes, but a difficult conversation is still a conversation, and letters are for posting in the mail for people to read, not for opening a dialogue. Do you go in ready for a fight, which you will most likely win because you’re the boss, have the authority, and have had time to prepare for battle? Or, do you go in curious, exploring the situation, keeping an open mind, bringing clarity to expectations, and listening for the information you haven’t picked up yet.
Tone – Do you go into the conversation bullish and loud, or do you go in calm, collected, and warm? Do you yell and scream or maintain a comfortable tone and emotionally regulate yourself? Do you squirm, fidget, and look like you have worms, or do you sit at the same level, lean in, and sit with an open composure, where your verbal and non-verbal skills say, “I’m here with you, and I’m going to walk alongside you through this.”? Hopefully, the answer is the latter for all these questions.
The conversation will be hard enough, don’t make it worse with the wrong timing, tact, or tone.
4. Follow your process
Whilst the outcome of the difficult conversation may be unknown, as you’re not sure how people will respond, you can go in prepared and follow a process that gives you the best chance for success. The magnitude of the situation will need to be considered here. If someone has just burnt down the factory, your process isn’t going to look like, “Hey Glenn, whilst we’re chatting at the water cooler, I thought I’d give you some feedback, yeah, the whole burning down the factory thing, probably not your best move and not really the way we like to operate here. In future, I probably prefer that you didn’t do that. Is that cool? Great. Cool. Yep. Everything else, you’re doing awesome! Chat next time.”
Develop your own process, practice it, improve and keep it close. Below is a summary slide from Evolve's having difficult conversations workshop that may give you some pointers.
Also, keep the following in mind:
- Set more time than you think you might need for the conversation;
- Stick to one issue at a time;
- Take turns talking;
- Be ok sitting in the silence;
- Be honest;
- Focus on the problem, not the person;
- Don’t wait too long to have the conversation;
- Emotionally regulate yourself; and
- Be ok coming back to the conversation if you need to.
5. The sun will still come up tomorrow
Know that the world will not explode if you don’t handle this situation perfectly. Your world might feel like it does, but hopefully, the above points can help you mitigate that from happening. Difficult conversations are never fun and probably shouldn’t be, but they can become easier over time with practice, reflection and learning. Depending on the severity of the situation depends on how much time you need to prepare, whether you need to refer to HR policies, what the consequences might be, and what support you may need to provide to your team member going forward.
Remember to breathe, show up with courage and care, be prepared and hopefully, that difficult conversation you need to have will be an opportunity for great change.
We are always here to help, and you may need a hand to unpack the above some more. Our leadership training or coaching may be perfect. If the problem persists, reach out here if you think we can help.
Cheers,
